


Fade to Black

by the_lie_eternal



Series: The Great Art Of Living [1]
Category: Poets of the Fall
Genre: Death, Depressing, Fade to Black, M/M, Songfic, i warned you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 08:12:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10272167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_lie_eternal/pseuds/the_lie_eternal
Summary: Bye...





	

**Author's Note:**

> A songfic to the amazing song 'Fade To Black' by Metallica

_Life, it seems, will fade away_  
Drifting further, every day  
Getting lost within myself  
Nothing matters, no one else  
  


Here I am, standing at the edge of my thoughts, mind, heart and life. One step and the pain will stop. One step and I can finally live in peace, I can forget everything, I could meet him again, I could hug him again, speak, kiss and spend time with him again.

The wind up here, it only reminds me more of him, more of the night he left my side. This had been the bridge we always used to meet up at, back when we were still together.

Sometimes we stood here for hours, watching the ships passing through below us, driving through the smooth looking water. He always had his strong arms around me, holding me tightly, making me feel save. Every now and then we kissed each other, leaving the world around us behind for a moment, visiting our own world, the perfect world.

It's empty without him, silent, scary. It was gone. The beauty, the love, the warmth. Instead it was cold, dark, full of hate and agony.

  
_I have lost the will to live_  
Simply nothing more to give  
There is nothing more for me  
Need the end to set me free

Not only did I lose the love of my life, I also lost all my reasons to stay alive. At first, I still believed in myself, 'You can do this, Jari' I told myself. I thought I can cope with it and accept it, all that I could live like a normal person someday. But I lost.

The thoughts took over. My inner fighter drowned in my tears, the pictures in my head and the memories I had. I fucked up so badly.

I lost this war against myself. The depression took over, I stopped talking to my bandmates, I locked myself in the flat, I even stopped playing the drums. It didn't work anymore, my whole strength and motivation left me.

Most of me died in the night his heart made its last beat.

  
_Things not what they used to be_  
Missing one inside of me  
Deathly loss, this can't be real  
I cannot stand this hell I feel  
  


When I joined the band, we were nothing more than bandmates. I was shy, he was shy, we didn't talk much except the usual musician things. Through the years we began to get closer to each other. I did not think about loving him, neither did he, but we enjoyed the time we spent together.

The band became very close friends, the band became family … and so did Jaska. That was when we had our first 'date' on the bridge.

Actually, he just wanted to show me this place, how amazing it was, the beautiful view and atmosphere … there we had our first kiss.

Soon we began to meet more often, mostly on that bridge, ending in more lovely gestures. We were in love, _deadly_ in love. Soon our colleagues found out about it, that was the moment where our real relationship began. He was my first partner ever, the first and last person I ever loved.

I loved him so much, more than everything else in my life – after my drums. I always loved him, from the day we met until the day he left.

  
_Emptiness is filling me_  
To the point of agony  
Growing darkness, taking dawn  
I was me, but now he's gone

He was already in hospital for a few weeks, of course I did not leave his side. I could not leave my lover alone, not while he was suffering. He laid in his bed, holding my hand, breathing heavily. He was tired. Sleeping was impossible with that constant pain he had to endure.

“Jari.” he gasped “Come closer.”

Without hesitation I followed his command and began to stroke through his hair with my free hand.

“I will not survive this day …” he whispered while pressing his hands into fists.

“It's going to be fine again, Jaska, please don't say things like that.” I said, feeling several tears rolling down my face. Nothing was going to be fine, he had an incurable heart disease, there must've happened a wonder if he would be the one to survive it.

He carefully put his trembling hand on my cheek, wiping away my tears, only seconds later groaning in pain again, his breath becoming even heavier than before.

“Pssht, Sweetie, Pssht” I tried to calm him, pressing some kisses on his hand and carefully stroking over his chest, but a look on the monitor showing his heartbeat told me that it was useless.

I forgot all of my surroundings, these seconds lasted for minutes, I remember every single one of them … painfully.

“I …” he sighed, grabbing my arm and pulling me even closer to him, our noses nearly touching. “I … love you … Jari.”

_*guitar solo*_  
  


It became silent, his breath calmed down one last time. He took his last strength together, pulling me into a kiss, our last kiss.

That was the moment his heart stopped beating, finally releasing him from the pain, from this terrible life. A weak smile was forming on his face, then he left into the light.

“Jaska …” I sobbed “Jaska no …” and began to cry. He died. My lover died. My life died.

His death left my world in silence, terrible and painful silence.

Till this day I still remember his last breath, his last heartbeat…his last words and his smile.

  
_No one but me can save myself, but it's too late_  
Now I can't think, think why I should even try  
Yesterday seems as though it never existed  
  


The other bandmembers wanted me to get professional help, they noticed how much I suffered through our loss of Jaska. I didn't want any help. My life makes no sense without him, I don't want to stay in a world without him.

This is where it began, this is where it should end, I can't handle with this pain any longer.

 

 _Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye_  
  


One final step and my suffering stops. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

“I hope to see you on the other side.” I whisper.

Familiar voices were shouting my name in the distance … but it is too late.

I am already dead on the inside.

 

_Bye..._


End file.
